Day 27 – A Semblance of Normalcy

I just found out that May 18th was Hunter Woolsman’s birthday. (I snagged this image of Hunter and Lance together from a pic he had on his phone. Hunter is the one in the green smock. I know, two soulless gingers in a single photo? I am actually amazed they even showed up on film...) He turned 18 on the 18th. When I asked him about why he did not say anything, he told me that he didn’t want people making a fuss. Plus, he and his dad always had special birthday rituals going back as far as he could remember. Not strange “let’s sacrifice a goat to Baal” rituals but little things like his dad would always make him blueberry pancakes for breakfast. Hunter got to choose which restaurant they went to that evening. Most of the time, he let him take the day off school. His dad did things to make that day special…
But I am reminded of the Seinfeld episode when they talked about birthdays. “It’s a bad day. You’ve got all these people in your house. You’re looking around. You’re thinking, ‘These are my friends?’” Truth be told, I have never really felt comfortable about my birthday either.
I always wanted the day to be special but I didn’t like the idea of people making a fuss over me. I mean my idea of a perfect birthday is a nice but not out of the normal breakfast, not having to do any of my daily chores, and a good dinner, finished off with a romp through the garden of earthly delights… if you know what I am saying.
But often times, a party is not so much for you as it is for the people around you. People love a good party and we missed an opportunity to celebrate a pretty big milestone… especially if you consider that we all might not live to celebrate our own next birthday.
So I think we need to really go all out for people’s birthdays. Not just for them but for everyone. We have a fully functioning bakery with all sorts of decorations for a professional icing. We have everything for great birthday parties. We need to implement that. I need to assign someone to be the official “party planner.”

Day 27 – Chain of Fools

I commented before on how we have this eclectic catalogue of music. It is really amazing how different everyone’s music collection is. The sheer variety is astounding. So, this morning, everyone was going about their morning routines. I cannot go so far as to say that I enjoy cleaning the bathrooms but I certainly do not mind doing it. I think it is more that I like to poop in cleanliness. There it is, really. I mean, it is the end of the world but that does not mean we have to live in filth. And we have an entire aisle in the store dedicated to cleaning supplies, so we have plenty to go around…
So, I was wheeling the mop bucket and my variety of cleaning supplies and I passed by Janet Chambers as she was going about with her morning routines. So I am wheeling down the aisle and Janet is doing her thing and as we make eye contact, Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools” comes over the intercom music thanks to Kim. It was completely random, totally spontaneous. What happened? Janet and I started dancing. Just flat out, two white people dancing like white people to one of the most soulful songs ever produced. And through the whole thing, you could not have sandblasted the smile from my face. Hers either.
Amidst the absurdity of this insane world that we now live in, you have to find moments of entertainment. Of levity. I am a big book reader and I like to watch movies. But you need some sort of entertainment where you are forced to interact with your fellow man. We already eat together but we need more. We need to play games together. We need to set aside specific times where EVERYONE has to join in and we all interact with one another. Even the wallflowers. Because of our showering situation, there is really not much left to be embarrassed about.
So Janet has suggested Dance Party Thursdays. And I think it is a fantastic idea….

Day 26 – Nightmare Storms & Once More, Miss Opportunities

Today should have been the kick off of Memorial Day. It is typically the second biggest weekend on Grand Lake (second only to Fourth of July) when all the Tulsa yuppies would come up to their lake houses and tool about the lake before retiring for a nice supper at the local yacht club… while I would drive home in my pimped out 2003 Honda Civic to eat Hamburger Helper and day old bread. As you can tell, I am not bitter or jealous at all. But all that changed when Patient Zero showed up at Grand Lake… Memorial Day barely seems a blip on the radar. I do appreciate it because it gave us flags that we still have hanging upside down from the roof… but holidays just don’t seem to have any real meaning anymore.

But as for current events. So for the last several evenings, we have been battered by terrible storms. You don’t live in Oklahoma for 20+ years and not learn to take thunderstorms seriously. It is called “Tornado Alley” for a reason. Of course without the local weathermen breaking into your favorite TV shows with raging hard-ons to show you all their fancy radar data, we have to just kind of wing it as far as bad storms. We had to almost drag Lance and Brad down off the roof from their sniper positions. Lance is practically living up there now. Could be an issue later.
Still, when you see those storm lines come rolling through with the dark swirling clouds, well, it makes your butthole pucker a bit. And there was a pretty terrifying moment when we had a brown out. It might have been just a tree limb hitting a power line or the winds whipping about. But thankfully, we do still have power. But it did provide me for an interesting bit of information.
When weather got bad at my house, the animals always sought shelter. Whether we are talking about the semi-wild cats or our dogs that we could never seem to hang on to, they knew when the weather was getting bad and would seek shelter.
Here is the thing… Zombies do the same thing.
They actually sought shelter from the storm and cleared out from the parking lot. Tornado or rains be damned, we used the time to our advantage. You would be surprised how quickly a group of people can loot through front pockets and discarded purses to find keys. Damn near every vehicle has a keyless entry system these days and the parking light flash when you hit the unlock key. So we started parking big pickups and vans up against the glass doors. This now gave a second exterior barricade to keep the zombies from hitting the windows and doors directly. We chanced using the parking lot lights. A few shots needed to be fired but the high winds and heavy winds really muffled the noise and everyone was back inside with only a few close calls. Nothing to write home to Mom about.
But this made me look at the zoms in a different light. We thought that they were just wandering mindless creatures but they seem to have some sort of inherent instincts still hardwired into their mushy brains. I have heard a theory about “genetic memory” where you have instincts at birth. Too many of our ancestors did not fear that slimy tube of flesh crawling through the muck and decided to pick it up. We would later learn that a water moccasin was something to be feared. And because of all those encounters, today, we just know it instinctively.
If this theory holds true, then maybe zombies have some base instincts hard wired in. I say that but I have seen these guys run smack dab into a chainsaw hoping to chew on the flesh of the operator. So, I am not Carl Jung. Sue me.
Still, this gives me hope for a future plan that I have been postulating. I am still kicking around this plan but I want to test a theory. Are zombies warm-blooded or cold-blooded? Because if they are cold blooded, we could gain a real advantage in the winter…

Day 25 – Honoring a Last Request

After Keith’s untimely loss, one of our survivors, Judy Myers, had a wonderful suggestion. Everyone took a sheet of paper and wrote out their final request pending “contamination.” Their request was then sealed in an envelope with their names on it with the expressed intent that they only be opened in the event of being bitten by a zombie.
If this happens to you, there are four possible outcomes:

1. A person of your choosing can walk up, with you see it coming, and shoot you in the head.
2. A person of your choosing can walk up, without you seeing it coming, and shoot you in the head.
3. You can wait to turn as a result of the virus and then be shot in the head.
4. We can give you a pistol and you can handle the situation yourself.

Now, no one had to reveal their choice. And truth be told, there is no right or wrong answer.
Is it suicide to take yourself out? If you have the virus, you are already dead. On the other hand, what if we wait for you to turn and something goes wrong? What if a person misses the shot and gets bit? Now, because we let you live to your last breath, we have condemned someone else to the exact same fate. But don’t you want every last breathing moment? Are you kidding? Who wants to go through the unbearable pain that turned Keith into a fireball of rage? But what if you off yourself and, five minutes later, the CDC arrives in the parking lot with a cure and a host of .50 caliber machine guns? Wouldn’t you rather the last thing you see in this world to be a friend that is willing to end your suffering? What if your transformation goes faster than anticipated? What if you turn quick? How can you selfishly put my 14-year-old son – and everyone in this store! – in jeopardy?
So everyone had to decide what they wanted their final request to be. We then locked the collection in the store office with the intention to only open them “in the event of…” And I truly hope I never have to read a single letter.
And while these decision have been fairly tough, I cannot imagine the disagreements that could arise if we encounter stranded refugees. Every extra person we bring in lessens our overall resources and risks us to potential exposure of the virus. Then again, what is the alternative? Leaving them outside to die?
I am afraid that this is a subject I am going to have to bring up with the group…

Day 24 – Ghetto Bastards Gettin’ Their Groove On

It’s funny the things that can make you laugh in even the most horrible of situations. And trust me, it doesn’t get much worse than the zombie apocalypse. So back during that first week, I was working on our renovations to the store and listening to my MP3 player. Thankfully, I always keep my MP3 player at work to keep me entertained during boring lunch hours.
I graduated high school in 1993 – Go Warriors! – so I still really enjoy the ‘90s rap songs. So up in my queue was Naughty by Nature’s “Ghetto Bastard” – which some of you remember as the radio edited version called “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.” The story in the song is just freakin’ horrible about this kid who just lives in terrible circumstances but the chorus is a sample from this happy song that sings several times, “Everything’s gonna be alright.”
So I am dancing on the aisle while I am working and thinking to myself, “Everything’s gonna be alright.” Surrounded by the undead. Don’t even know what tomorrow will bring. But this song made me laugh as I thought the same thing Trech asks, “Why me, huh? Why me?”
But it gave me a fantastic idea.
Ask anyone that works in a store that plays Musak, employees hate it. Especially if it is the same songs over and over again. Modern musak is not just a hit song performed by a small section of classic instruments anymore. Now places have all these promos and junk that just drive you batshit insane and makes you wish the zombies would break through and end it all. It took us about three days to disconnect the satellite system that broadcasts the Musak. We thought about keeping it up to see if they would do any broadcasts but that was a no go.
For a few days, we just ran silent. But a grocery store is a pretty big place and when the power goes down, it gets a lot quieter than you would think. So I had this idea. Kim is a really big music fan and she has the best iPod I have ever seen. So using the USB cord from my aircard, we cannibalized (pun intended) every iPod, iPhone, MP3 player and music storage device we could find. Thanks to the video department, DSD, and the employee training centers, we have quite a few computers in this place.
So we set up one computer and freed up all the memory we could and transferred every available song to that hard drive. The store is set up with an intercom network. So we grabbed a phone, dinged the trigger that activates the intercom and wedged a folded segment of paper in it to keep the trigger depressed. Placing the receiver next to the computer speakers, we now broadcast music that we actually like to listen to over the speakers.
Kim went through and set up all kinds of playlists. She selected all the mellow songs and set them to play at night while we are sleeping. The thing with MP3 and the mix of people and all their different music tastes, we have a pretty eclectic mix of music. And then when Kim puts her playlists on shuffle, it becomes even more awesome.
It is not very often that you get to hear Lady Gaga followed by Hank Williams Jr. followed by Eminem followed by Michael Buble. Still, the music really helps people. We keep it at a low enough level so as not to attract the zombies but not so low that you have to strain to hear it. Surprisingly, spirits have really lifted since we brought this plan on board.
And now we can afford to sleep without earplugs. The zombies are more active at night and they let out these moans that seem to slice through the air. It happens at random intervals but sometimes I swear they use them as some sort of call to one another. They are like wolves howling in the night and if one lets out an odd scream, they are all going to. The music has helped drown them out quite a bit. It at least makes the nights more manageable.

Day 23 – Status Update

Just a quick update. We are able to communicate via our Intranet with the Reason’s store in Claremore. Still no contact with the Tulsa locations. Claremore has been completely overrun and I can only imagine what Tulsa would be like. I can only hope that my wife did not drive smack dab into the center of an outbreak hot zone. We are trying to decide how to get the Claremore crew rescued.

Things are still too infested outside to bury Keith so we have placed his body in the ice cream freezer.

Brad’s arrival from ACE has caused us to rethink our situation. With the right teams, training, and gear, I think we could actually begin to venture outside. I am still not 100% sold on this plan. After all, do you know the best way to avoid getting bit by a shark? … Don’t go in the water. 0% of shark attacks happen up on the beach. So if you never go in the water, you are not getting bit. Still, there is a motel and a small private resort not too incredibly far away from us. Real linens and mattresses would be streets ahead over the inflatable pool mattresses we have been using. And, the underwear situation is kind of starting to become a real issue. There is a Dollar General right next door to ACE Hardware which would have clothes and other sundries that we do not have being a grocery store.
Also, we share a parking lot with a convenience store and a liquor store. While I can claim that it is for medicinal purposes (sterilization and such), I think people could use a little more liquor in their lives. We have our beer but Oklahoma liquor laws prohibit the sale of liquor in grocery stores and while people have been doing “beer rationing,” there is enough liquor in that one store to keep us all tanked until rapture…

So we need to start training sweeper teams…

Day 22 – Zombology 101: Migratory Patterns

I know this is pretty pathetic. I am a slave to pop culture. And when all this was starting to go down, during the quiet time of Week 1, Charles and I slipped off and had a DVD viewing party. We watched movies like Zombieland and Dawn of the Dead to try to understand what we are dealing with.
I really like Zack Snyder’s take on zombies with all the running and the savagery and it was a really good movie. However, in their version of zombies, they all just clustered at that mall wanting to get at the humans inside. It made for a thrilling escape and was a great movie finale. Thankfully, that is not what we are dealing with. This is one of those instances where Hollywood made a great movie but they got the reality wrong.
Back in the first week of this blog, I discussed alligators and crocodiles. They are opportunistic hunters. Thankfully, zombies are the same way. Case in point, not all of the same zombies that popped up in the area on Day 1 are still in the area. Several of those transformed in those first few hours came along initially and banged on the windows and doors. Truth is some still do that now.
I have this theory that a lot of these zombies are “locals” and have it engrained in their subconscious that Reason’s translates to food and they are showing up on some intuitive level. But they all seem to react the same way. When they realize that they cannot get in, they move on to look for greener pastures. We’ve worked very hard to cover up our visual and auditory presence. In the movie I Am Legend with Will Smith, he often covered up his scent by using some chemical. (Bleach maybe?) I need to look and see if that movie is in the video department. (Yes, I know technically those were vampires but the theory is still solid.)
So the zombies come looking for food. Perhaps they can sense that we are in here and they come up moaning and banging and when they realize that they cannot get in, they shamble on down the road, looking for easier prey.
Therefore, by these observations, I think we can say that zombies are migratory. How do they know where to migrate to? Of that, I cannot be certain. Why do birds just know to fly south for the winter?
Still, it seems clear that zombies’ sight is not nearly as sharp as it is in life. Their hearing appears to be about the same. If I didn’t know better, I would say their sense of smell actually improves (at least when it comes to hunting). Not really certain about touch and taste. But I often wonder if zombies have some sort of ESP to be able to detect flesh and that is why they keep coming up and banging on the doors in the first place.