I don’t want to waste a bunch of time talking about how there is no such thing as zombies. Tell that to the mindless things shuffling outside our doors and see if you can convince them they don’t exist. While you are at it, go ahead and slather yourself with barbeque sauce. I am sure things will turn out well.
Okay, I am not a medical expert but I play one on television. My real medical knowledge is limited to what I have seen on televisions shows like ER, House or Scrubs. In fact, when my wife was going to nursing school and the doctor on TV would ask the interns a medical question, I would pause the TV and see if Amy could answer it. So I know a little bit about uric acid, menegitis, and too much pure protein turns your gas into a Level 4 biohazard (thanks, Lance.) But this is what we are dealing with. I don’t know who it was amongst us that threw out the word zombie – it might have been me but I am not certain. But that is the closest word I can find to accurately describe what we are up against.
These “creatures” were once human beings. I know that because I have watched people turn. Clearly, they have been infected with something that transforms them into these nightmares. Ordinarily, I would say something like “slit your wrists now” or “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” but there are a few saving graces. This is not the end of the world. This is just the end of the world as we know it. But we do have some hope.
This is what we know. It is NOT an airborne pathogen. If it was, we would all be infected and I wouldn’t even be writing this. You have seen this all the times in the movies. I don’t know if George Romero or Zack Snyder were privy to some top secret information. I kind of doubt it. Maybe there are documented cases that just never made it into the public. Maybe it is in that President’s Book of Secrets that Nicholas Cage was searching for. Maybe the CDC knows more than we do. But that is neither here nor there.
Near as we can tell, this is a disease that is transferred via bodily fluids, bites and maybe scratches. These creatures react more on instinct then cognitive thought. It is like their brains are only running on emergency power. Not all the neurons are firing. They react instinctively and all they seem to do is hunt. They seem to have some natural instincts and have some sort of brain function. I watched one pick up a rock and use it to attack a car window. But I seriously doubt these things are going to be doing geometry on a scientific calculator.
So, Point #1, they are dumb.
Zombies are not overly strong. At least, they are not stronger than they were in real life. If you are imagining that these things have some sort of vampire strength, they don’t. That is not to say that you are not going to come across some weightlifter zombie in the future with Olympic athlete strength. But near as we can tell, these creatures are either as strong as they were in real life or less so because of their muscle deterioration.
Point #2, they are not super strong.
They don’t have fear and feel no pain. All they want to do is devour flesh. I have seen these things take gunshots to the chest or the leg and still keep coming. They emit this horrible noise that is some sort of blend of human wail combined with an animalistic shriek. And if they get you, they want to feed. We watched helplessly as a swarm of them devoured people in our parking lot. It was disturbing to say the least.
Point #3, no pain and they just want to eat.
Thankfully, they are not tremendously fast. This is what we have discovered. (I credit Charles for this theory.) In video games, your character has an “aggro range” where if you get within a certain proximity of a bad guy, they turn and come after you. But you have to get within that aggro range for them to come after you. So 90% of the time, the zombies just shuffle around looking for food. I have actually seen one give up and take a seat in a car. (Again, I think it is just instinct kicking in.)
But then if something gets within that aggro range, they get back up and start shuffling towards their target. Now, these guys don’t flat out sprint but the closer they get to their target, the harder they work. So you can outrun them. I don’t think they can “track” you over incredible distances. Once you get out of their aggro range and they lose you, they are going to go back to that instinctive hunting cycle. One zombie will not track you down if you drive away in a car.
The trick is to stay out of their aggro range in the first place. They seem to hunt the same way we would – sight, sound, and smell. Do your best to remain undetected and you start to gain a fighting chance. But it is not a question of if. It is a question of when. You are going to encounter one of these things eventually.
Point #4, you can outrun them and get off their radar.
What we have discovered is that what you see in the movies appears to be true. A shot to the head puts the zombie down. And near as we can tell, that is the only surefire way to stop them. So whatever you want to call this disease, once the affliction takes hold, in order to put these things down, you have to shoot them in the head. I know the movies make it look easy but it is much harder than it looks. You have to scramble the brain. If that means gunshots, sledge hammers, whatever. Destroy the brain, you destroy the zombie.
Because of this strategy, one of these horrors by itself is relatively easy to take down. Okay, I am not going to say that it is done easily but it can be done. But if you get in a pack of twenty of them or a hundred of them… Well, you have to reload sometime and that is when they are going to get you.
Point #5, shoot ‘em in the head.
Still, I do not want you to think that now is the time to go on the offensive. For now, we are choosing to play a defensive game. The key is to keep a low profile. Reduce your noise signature as much as possible. Hide out wherever you can. And I am not terribly certain how to reduce your smell. But do this and your odds increase ten fold.
They do seem to be more active at night. We don’t really know why so extinguish lights whenever possible. Using aluminum foil to cover the windows works well if you have enough of it. Keep your windows covered and just don’t go ringing the dinner bell. At least, that has worked for us. Reduce your signature. Do that and you have a chance.
I saw on Mythbusters once that alligators and crocodiles are opportunistic hunters. If they come to grab you and you can survive the initial attack and escape to land, they don’t chase after you. They are more comfortable retreating back into the water and just waiting for easier prey to come along. Predators are lazy, man. They don’t want to work unless they know they are going to eat.
Thankfully, these zombies have a similar mentality. They come and bang against the doors and the windows but when they realize that they cannot get in, they move down the road, looking for easier prey. So if you can hole up somewhere, you can outlast them and then move safely when they have moved on. Of course, as the days and weeks wear on and food starts to get scarce, their mentality may start to change. Use this information as best you can in your attempt to survive…
More soon.
